Monday, March 19, 2007

the long story with no end

So lately (which should be no surprise to many of my loyal followers out there) I have been dealing with a relationship breakup between two friends. Its been kind of tricky (?) because I was friends with one person 1st and then became friends with the 2nd person as a direct result of the relationship problems with the 1st person, which in and of itself is a bit queer.... not uncomfortable as far as situations go, but just queer in the fact that at any one time you can be sympathizing with person A's situation and also talking to person B about the same thing but with a different bent...Its slightly mental in the fact that you can be saying to someone "yes, I totally agree that wearing green pants was a horrible idea" and then saying to the pants wearer "I understand that it is your right to wear green pants if you want." Some days I feel like I'm talking outta both sides of my ass and hoping that you don't upset either person-because you like them both separately as people and wouldn't want to lose either as a friend.

Its led me back to remembering the two life shattering breakups in my existence, you know, the ones that really mattered-not the piddly date a guy for two weeks and then move on crap, but the date someone for years and all of a sudden it goes goat break ups. I figure that women handle break ups in the following ways: the first bad breakup, being that it is your first bad breakup you pretty much handle by going all off the rails. I have had this breakup...This breakup entails you crying for hours at a time, sleeping for 18+ a day (cause you cant be sad when you are asleep), losing massive amounts of weight (twofold, you cant eat because you are depressed and the only thing in life you can control is what and when you eat so you just don’t.... the plus is I fucking rocked the body after the heartbreak diet...ah earth shattering depression & 130 lbs or normalcy and plumpness...) you also go into the mental state of a stalker, you pretty much become obsessed with your ex, what they are doing, who with, when, how, what they wore that day blah blah blah...I remember in high school being manically obsessed with what my ex was wearing (No idea why) and went loopy loo if a new shirt appeared on him and went off the deep end trying to figure out did some new girl buy it, did his mom, can I get one just like it etc? so so lame.

Oh and dear god, the music! Every song on the radio was about you and your ex’s relationship in some minute form…To this day I am unable to hear Neil Young without being physically Ill. also certain songs by Pearl Jam, Cracker, Soul Asylum…hell basically anything from 1994-1995 I have to turn off the radio it makes me morose and I pretty much realize that whole time period was a horrible waste…. It’s amazing when you are in the middle of your self-absorption breakup phase. you can find “meaning” in fucking any song that makes you think about your ex…fucking I dunno, “Holiday in Cambodia” can make you weep…”oh we used to like Chinese food, china is close to Cambodia…oh my god I LOOOOOOOVE him” (cue crying jag).

plus then you pretty much are mandated to tell your breakup story to everyone you know, everyone you meet, over and over again without stopping, your breakup story is the Jesus prayer of your life. I have literally shoeboxes FULL of notes passed back and forth between classes to my (ex) friend Damon going over every minute detail of our (me and the ex) relationship and breakup and subsequent actions on a daily basis. If I had to read all those now, I think I would die of embarrassment. But you are rain-fucking-man about your breakup “yep, we were so happy, wapner on at 4…so happy…so happy blah”...100% of your energy is focused on this guy.....and another 100% of your energy is focused on "how we can get back together because I totally love him and we are meant for each other and will get married and have babies (please someone shoot me in the head) and and infitum."

You also spend a lot of time thinking of ways to get crappy ex boyfriend's (because he was so so crappy, how did I want to get back together with a guy that tried to beat the hell outta me?)/and everyone else’s attention...There is the mandatory "I think I may be pregnant" scare, well that only works once...then you move on to the "I am gonna kill myself" scare which is usually in the oh so subtitle form of "I cant live without you, I'm gonna slit my wrists unless we can be together etc..." this also doesn’t work more than once and will get you dumped in psychological counseling......Then you go through various attention getting phases which include, but are not limited to: wearing all black, wearing sunglasses in class, not talking, talking a lot, drinking black coffee, writing page upon page of morose Eddie Vedder poetry, taking “strategic” sick days after fights (which is to reinforce the attention getting “I'm gonna kill myself” gambit)

By this point (which is when you finally are forced into counseling) you have become sick of the story and sick of yourself. I didn’t even want to explain the whole story to the counselor because I couldn’t stand it anymore. I was explaining this to someone the other day, we were having a "bad breakups of our lives" discussion...I said that now the bad breakup story bores me to tears and having to retell the whole story makes me want to bash my head against a wall...I am so so over the don’t get me wrong..the level of my insanity from about Oct 94 through May of 95 is the stuff of legend and makes for a great retelling to a new audience....however...after about 3 years past, I realized that what I assumed was the worst breakup of my life, this person meant so much to me, I loved him so much-blah blah...was really nothing more than me throwing what amounted to the WORLDS LARGEST TEMPER TANTRUM. I was simply acting the way I did, NOT because I loved this person (which in retrospect, I really didn’t love him in a healthy way) or that he was the best man for me (he wasn’t) but because I wasn’t getting what I (Thought) I wanted. All the drama and crap I put my friends and family and hell, even him (the scumbag) through were all because I was acting like a chick on MTV's my super sweet 16 "I will hate you forever daddy if you don’t by me a Mercedes for my birthday." Spoiled and stupid. This realization took many years to come to....

I don’t feel like I could be held to blame for my actions. It’s was my first breakup and I think everyone (ok, I speak for chicks, cause Imp not a guy) reacts on emotion the 1st time it happens to you. Its because you don’t know any other way to behave and frankly, you don’t want to behave any other way but as a being of pure emotion...yer fucking Phoenix in X-Men, just a being of absolute rage and pain and god knows what else...

That experience was important for me because of two things:

1. I could handle the next breakup completely differently (because what I tried the 1st time was clearly ineffective and the def. of insanity (as we all know) is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result)

2. as a direct result of this break up I started dating dale...which I hope you would agree was a good call all around...

that being said the 2nd way you can handle a break up is: THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE OF #1..which shall be detailed tomorrow children, I’m sick and tired tonite.

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